Legal, the Emotional and the Medical Side
2. Emotional Security
During a bondage game
emotional crashes may occur, like with any other kind of very intensive
experience. Maybe some unpleasant and seemingly forgotten memory comes
back. Because of this the active part should know that it may be that
suddenly he is confronted with a crying, very sad, or even screaming or
in some other way negatively reacting partner. There is no question that
the active part then has to free his or her partner immediately and has
to be there for him/her, look after him/her and ready to talk, to try
to get over the nasty experience (as far as it is possible to do this
by just talking). This emotional security is one of the absolute prerequisites
for a trustful bondage game. It's the safety net the "victim"
can let itself fall into, in the sure knowledge that it will be held.
A sentence like "I
am not your therapist" in such a situation is more than counterproductive.
When someone isn't willing and ready to get emotionally involved he should
let his hands off bondage games! A bondage session is no one-night stand.
The most important rule after a session had to be stopped should be to
have patience and time, and not to apportion blame. Just the strain this
puts on a relationship can be a chance, too, to develop even more mutual
Of course it's much better to steer clear of what triggers such a crash,
however much you like to do it, if you know what it is.
Rules up to which
point the passive part should hang in there can only be made individually
and jointly. While the active part maybe likes the posture to be uncomfortable
or even painful, for the passive this may be just the point he or she
gets out. To say something like "Stop making such a fuss" surely
isn't the right way to tempt and lure him/her to step over the mark. And
to tempt and to lure is just what you are trying to achieve when you want
to let your partner stay in bondage a bit longer or a bit stricter.
Even without a crash
and when everything has gone fine and both partners are satisfied and
relaxed, the situation should slowly die down with an exchange of views
about the session just over. (How was it for you when I put the rope around
your hips so tightly? What have you been thinking when I closed my eyes
while you were tying up my hands?). After all, especially when the session
has been very good and intensive and fulfilling you will want to repeat
it. And only through the feedback we get from our partner we can learn
to get even better and maybe do some things differently.
From: Das Bondage-Handbuch, Matthias T. J. Grimme, Charon Verlag 1999